


Scenes from a Double Date

by orphan_account



Category: Princess Tutu
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-22
Updated: 2013-10-22
Packaged: 2017-12-30 03:02:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1013312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ahiru and Fakir go on a double date with Lilie and Femio.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scenes from a Double Date

"I still don’t know how I let you talk me into this."  
  
"Ahahaha… I’m still not sure how I let Lilie talk me into this, either." Ahiru scratched the back of her head and smiled nervously up at Fakir. "It’s kind of a blur…"  
  
"Hmph. Why are we waiting for them outside the school, anyway?" Fakir folded his arms, impatience simmering in his eyes. "And who is she bringing? I don’t remember you mentioning it."  
  
"She didn’t tell me." Ahiru fidgeted. "She said she wanted it to be a surprise, and that she’s planned everything, and that has to be a surprise too, and -"  
  
"Ahiruuuuuuuuuuu~!" An all too familiar excited squeal cut off Ahiru’s words, and an all too familiar overenthusiastic hug from behind cut off her air. "So happy you made it! I hope you haven’t been waiting long!"  
  
"Ahhh… nnn…oooo…" Ahiru gasped as Lilie continued to squeeze her tightly. "Iiiiii…" Fortunately, Fakir came to her rescue, prying Lilie’s arms off her and pulling Ahiru gently away, where she wheezed and tried to catch her breath. "Waaaaaaa…"  
  
"Oooh, how protective you are of her!" Lilie cooed as Fakir glared at her over Ahiru’s head. "Like a knight protecting his princess! But you know, those stories usually ended in beautiful tragedy!" She clasped her hands to her face, her eyes sparkling. "Like Lancelot and Guinevere, responsible for Camelot’s fall, or -"  
  
"Bonjour, my sweet!"  
  
"QUA -!" Ahiru clapped her hands over her mouth as she caught sight of Femio, posed astride his bull. She stumbled backwards into Fakir, who caught her shoulders almost by instinct and steadied her.  
  
"I have arrived, my darling!" Femio leapt gracefully off the bull, whose reins were then seized by his ever-present servant. He seized Lilie’s hand and pressed a passionate kiss against it. "Let us begin our evening of joy! Alongside…" His eyes traveled over to Ahiru and Fakir. "Ah! The fair maiden with eyes of truth!" He knelt before Ahiru and extended his hand. "Forgive me for not seeing you before, mademoiselle. I should have noted your exquisite presence before."  
  
"Ah… that’s… okay…" Ahiru managed, a dazed look already beginning to take shape on her face.   
  
"Femiooooooooo!" Lilie wailed, her eyes aglow with delight. "Are you - _are you two-timing me?!_ ”  
  
"Oh! Non, non!" Femio stood and waggled his finger at Lilie. "Rest assured, cherie, I would never dream of such a thing!"  
  
"But… but you just complimented another girl! _Right in front of me!_ " Lilie flung her hand against her forehead and let out another tortured wail. "How can my heart bear such an insult?"  
  
"Ah, but you must try to understand… it would be truly sinful for me to ignore any of the world’s women." Femio’s lips quivered. "My beauty is such that they all long to behold me and hear my words of affection, and it would be cruel indeed if I were to deny them their heart’s desire. Do you not see?"  
  
Lilie sniffled. “But - but isn’t it a bigger sin to swear your heart to me and then forsake me for another? If you are to learn to love all, you must learn to love only me first, and you are shirking your duties!”  
  
"I…" Femio froze. "Can - can it be true? Am I committing such a grave sin without knowing it?"  
  
Lilie hid a smile. “The fact that you don’t even know is the most sinful thing of all!”  
  
"Oh… what have I done!" Femio collapsed to his knees once more, but this time his head was bowed, and his shoulders shook. "In seeking to avoid causing pain to any woman, I have instead hurt so fair a lady, without even knowing it. Can I not go one moment without sinning in ignorance? Can I not atone for my sinful ignorance in itself?" He stood and flung his arms at the sky. "Heavens, I beseech thee! Please cast your punishment upon this sinner!"  
  
"Ahhh!" Ahiru grabbed Fakir’s hand and yanked him safely out of the way.  
  
” _OLE!_ "   
  
"Oh, how perfectly dreadful!" Lilie sighed happily at the sight of Femio, twitching on the ground with hoof marks all over his back.  "Poor dear!" Her face became more serious, however, as she turned to Ahiru and clasped her hands in hers. "Ahiru…"  
  
"Wh-what?" Ahiru gulped, not sure if she liked the look on Lilie’s face.  
  
"I’ll let you off easily this time, Ahiru, because I know how much you love Fakir… but if ever you do think of responding to Femio’s flattery, I won’t show you any mercy." She giggled. "It’ll be a wonderful battle!"  
  
"Ah… ahahaha… that - that won’t be necessary." Ahiru laughed nervously. Beside her, Fakir frowned.  
  
"Really?" Lilie pouted. "Well, if you ever change your mind…" She let go of Ahiru’s hands and skipped over to Femio. "Femio, darling, are you all right? Tell me you’re still alive!" She shook him rather more forcefully than perhaps would’ve been recommended by a medical professional.  
  
"Have you been… telling her things?" Fakir asked Ahiru, his voice low enough to hopefully go unheard by Lilie. "About us?"   
  
"No!" Ahiru shook her head vigorously. "She - she just knows we’re together, I don’t give her details, I _know_ she’s a terrible gossip, so I wouldn’t… it’s just, it’s just that… well, you know how she is.” She hung her head. “She gets ideas on her own…”  
  
Perhaps not as well as Ahiru did, since he usually made it a point to avoid interacting with Lilie unless he had no choice, but he was familiar enough with the younger girl’s eccentricities, yes. Fakir nodded. “Yeah…”  
  
It was going to be a long night.  
  
***  
  
Of all the places Ahiru would’ve expected her friend to take them on their double date, this was not one of them.  
  
"L-Lilie…"  
  
Certainly, it was scenic in its way, there was no denying that. There was beautifully manicured grass beneath their feet, tall trees dotted the landscape, and there was some admittedly nice statuary here and there. Flowers, too, though they were… imported, rather than native. But somehow, it still didn’t feel right.  
  
"Doesn’t it speak to your very soul?" Lilie clasped her hands to her cheeks. "Love and tragedy are always intertwined in all the best stories! The untimely death of a beloved brings about such unbearable grief in the hearts of humans!" She flung a hand out, indicating the crowd gathered around the coffin that awaited burial. "Aren’t their sorrowful faces so beautiful?"  
  
"Uh…" Ahiru gulped, feeling the stares of the mourners upon them. "Lilie… do you even know whose funeral this is? Did you know this person? Aren’t we… kind of out of place?"  
  
"Oh, it’s just some old man who owned a creepy bookstore." Lilie shrugged. "But that isn’t important! What’s important is that we are here to share in their bereavement, to celebrate the mingling of life and death, and learn to better cherish those around us before it is too late. Death and suffering aren’t unique to them, after all - here and now, we are all as one in the tragic game of fate known as life! No one can be said to be out of place at such a time!"   
  
Ahiru glanced at her companions, and down at herself. Fakir, in his dark vest and pants, was the only one among them who could be said to be dressed appropriately for such a somber occasion. She herself was wearing a pale yellow dress, while Lilie had on a white one with polka dots in every color of the rainbow. And Femio… Femio, in his impossibly elaborate and frilly red and gold concoction, looked like he had gotten lost on the way to a pirate-themed masquerade ball. _Complete with hat_. No one could have looked more out of place if they had tried. She cringed and let her eyes wander back to Fakir… who, she noticed now, looked even more uncomfortable than she did. “Fakir…? Are you all right?”  
  
"The dead man…" Fakir swallowed and took a couple steps backwards to increase his distance from the crowd. "That’s… I think it was the leader of the Book Men. Or one of them, anyway."  
  
"What?" Ahiru’s eyes widened, and she scanned the gathered mourners fearfully. "You don’t think… are some of these people more of them?"  
  
"I don’t know." He shook his head. "I never saw any of their faces that night, aside from his."  
  
"And… you haven’t heard anything from them since the story ended, right?" Ahiru edged in front of Fakir protectively, as if to shield him from any unfriendly eyes, despite that her stature was much shorter than his. "They’re - they’re not going to come after you again, right?"  
  
"I haven’t heard anything, no. And… let’s hope not." Fakir shuddered slightly. "If any of them are here, I’d rather not find out if they remember me. I’m still not sure if they would’ve kept any memories after we stopped Drosselmeyer’s story. They -"  
  
"Montand!" Femio’s voice rang out across the cemetery.  
  
"Yes, Master Femio?" In an instant, Femio’s erstwhile servant was at his side.   
  
"We must show our sympathies to these people in their time of grief. You know what to do!"  
  
"Yes, Master Femio!"  
  
Ahiru and Fakir watched in mute horror as Montand proceeded to scatter a shower of rose petals over the coffin, their discomfort over the identity of the deceased and the attendees of his funeral momentarily forgotten.   
  
"Oh, Femio, what a beautiful gesture!" Lilie clapped her hands together delightedly. "Almost as tragically beautiful as you are! And look!" She pointed at the sky. "Why, even the heavens themselves have conspired to light you most flatteringly and appropriately." She sighed. "The sun dies another death as the day winds to a close, with no guarantee that it will rise again in the morning to bring us all out of the darkness… isn’t it wonderful?"  
  
"It…" Femio stopped mid-pose. "It is… mon dieu!" He fell to his knees upon the grass. "That even nature herself conspires to enhance my beauty, even on such a day… truly, it is most sinful!" He lifted his head, revealing that his eyes were filled with tears. "I have committed a grave sin simply by being present here, distracting all from their grief and pain and commanding their attention. Their loved one is forgotten in an instant when they behold me, thinking no longer of the deceased, but only of gazing upon this perfect face, this flawless body. Oh! What a shameful disrespect to the fallen!" He clutched at his heart as he rose, letting out a mournful sob. "My punishment must be swift and severe!"  
  
"Not again…" Fakir pulled Ahiru with him as he backed away, ducking behind a large statue as Femio once again beseeched the heavens to visit their judgment upon him.  
  
” _OLE!_ ”  
  
***  
  
"Oh, Femio, you mustn’t frighten me like that!" Lilie cooed as she helped him stagger away from the cemetery. Just behind them trailed Montand, tugging on the reins of the bull. "I was so sure we were going to have to bury you too, and then how would I ever recover from such a loss?"  
  
"Forgive me, mon cherie, for nearly causing you such grief." Femio touched her cheek with one hand and offered her a weak smile. "I am fine, however, and you must not trouble yourself any longer over it. It would be sinful indeed if I were to cause you any more pain…"  
  
"I can’t believe we got kicked out of a funeral," Ahiru moaned. She and Fakir were walking several steps behind Lilie and Femio. "Even if it was for one of those horrible people, it’s still embarrassing…"  
  
Fakir shot Ahiru a surprised glance. “I think that’s the first time I’ve heard you call anyone horrible…”  
  
"Well, you know…" Her fingers trailed over his wrist and palm before gently squeezing his hand. "They tried to do something terrible to you… I…"  
  
"What’s this?" Lilie was suddenly at Ahiru’s side, Femio not far behind. "Are you talking about something horrible without me? That’s not fair, Ahiru! You have to share such things with friends!"  
  
"It - it’s nothing, Lilie!" Ahiru gulped. "Really! We were just… we were just talking about… what terrible pain Femio must be in after being trampled again. That’s all!"  
  
"Oh, he’ll be fine!" Lilie waved a hand dismissively. "It’s good character building for him, and anyway I like it better when he doesn’t recover right away. He’s so cute when he can barely move, you know?"  
  
"Um, I… I guess…" Ahiru coughed delicately. "A-anyway, Lilie, where are we going next? You said you made dinner reservations?"  
  
"Oh yes!" Lilie clasped her hands under her chin, her eyes sparkling. "At the very best place! It will be unforgettable!"  
  
"Ah… yes, I’m sure you’re right…" Ahiru took a quick look up at Fakir, whose expression said the same thing she was thinking: that it was certain to be a memorable evening, but not for the reasons Lilie envisioned.  
  
Although, knowing her, perhaps it would be.  
  
***  
  
The foremost question on Fakir’s mind when he saw the building Lilie was dragging them to was if the neon sign above the double doors could possibly be any more garish.  
  
It took him approximately ten seconds to decide that no, no it could not. It was in fact the tackiest thing he had ever seen.   
  
"Movable Feast…" Ahiru read aloud, her freckled nose crinkling with confusion and mild disgust. " _A dining experience you will never forget_?”  
  
"Mon dieu! What artistic decorations!" Femio gazed in awe at the hideously painted doors, splashed as they were with splatters of horrifically clashing colors. The building itself was painted with pink and black stripes. "Surely such outer beauty indicates inner wonders!"  
  
"Oh, I’m so happy you think so!" Lilie clutched at Femio’s arm tightly enough to presumably cut off his circulation. "I’ve been dying to come here! It’s a surrealist improv dinner theater, and it’s received the most _ghastly_ reviews!” She giggled. “And even better, audience participation is encouraged, so we all must try our hands at the stage!”   
  
"What?! Oh, oh no, I don’t think that’s a good idea!" Ahiru waved her hands frantically. "None of us are in the drama division, after all! I - I wouldn’t know what I was doing…"  
  
"Oh, nonsense, Ahiru!" Lilie scoffed. "What is ballet, but a form of silent acting? We can mime, right? And Fakir, you’re a writer, so you must have a natural flair for the dramatic… you’ll be splendid out there! Perhaps a little rough, as it’s your first time, but then, it’ll be more beautiful for being so awkward…" She sighed happily, her eyes glazing over as she imagined some sort of disaster scenario.   
  
"Hmph. I’ll pass." Fakir folded his arms and scowled. "You’re free to make a fool of yourself if you want, but don’t drag me into it."  
  
"Oh, my pet, don’t be discouraged by him!" Femio interrupted Lilie just as she opened her mouth to say something to Fakir. "I will satisfy all your dramatic longings, and all eyes shall be drawn to me as I take the stage! You will forget that he exists as soon as you behold my glory!" He snapped his fingers, and his servant was instantly at his side. "Montand, fetch my costume!"  
  
"Yes, Master Femio!" He raced off.  
  
Fakir bit back the urge to ask if Femio wasn’t already wearing one, and instead silently followed the bizarre pair into the restaurant. He glanced down at Ahiru, and saw a familiar dazed expression on her face as she took in the decor just inside: the wallpaper with eerie disembodied eyes on it, the bright red carpet… and the nude statue front and center, unmissable as one approached the front desk. Lilie giggled at it, and Femio seemed unimpressed; Fakir and Ahiru both averted red faces from it as they listened to Lilie cheerfully tell the person there that she had made a reservation.   
  
They were shown to their table in short order, and assured that their server would be right with them. Onstage, a woman dressed as a valkyrie was attempting to convince a person in judge’s robes and a horse mask that the young man before them (who was wearing what looked like a toga adorned with sequins) was guilty of some crime or other. As she frequently burst into off-key song during her testimony, however, it was hard to understand what she was saying. The hideously out of sync troupe of interpretative dancers in cowboy outfits that kept gyrating in front of them proved to be rather distracting as well.  
  
"Such unfettered genius!" Femio breathed, his menu sitting untouched and unopened on the table as he stared in rapt attention at the spectacle before him. "Truly, my golden-haired goddess, you could not have picked a better venue for our evening of romance!" He pressed Lilie’s hand to his mouth and laid a sloppy kiss on it. Ahiru cringed, and wished she hadn’t chosen that moment to look over.   
  
Lilie giggled at his attentions, then returned her focus to perusing her menu. “Hmmm, I can’t decide what to order… it’s all _tragically_ overpriced, I’m sure, but so many options!” She hemmed and hawed over it, tracing her finger down the list of increasingly expensive dishes. “Perhaps… no… no, that one’s no good either… oh, perfect!” She clapped her hands together. “I haven’t had roast duck in _so_ long!”  
  
All the color drained out of Ahiru’s face; beside her, Fakir had gone nearly as pale. “R-roast…”  
  
"It’s one of my _favorites_ ,” Lilie gushed. “You two should order it too! And you, Fem -” Her voice trailed off as she turned to see Montand standing beside Femio’s empty seat. “- io…”  
  
"My apologies, Mistress Lilie." Montand bowed. "Master Femio has gone to change into his costume, and has left instructions that you are to order for him if he does not return in time, as he trusts your taste to be almost as exquisite as his."  
  
"Well, if he insists." Lilie sniffed. "Still, how rude to leave such a burden on me… I shall have to impart to him later what a terrible _sin_ that is…”  
  
"F-Fakir…" Ahiru had gone rather green by now. "She - she’s going to… I - I can’t…" Her stomach churned further as she heard Lilie proudly declare to the waiter - who was dressed in a brightly colored clown costume - that both she and her shamefully absent lover would be dining on the roast duck this evening. "U-ugh…"  
  
Fakir opened his mouth to say something… and then closed it, suddenly grateful - for the first and likely last time time in his life - to see Femio. More precisely, to see Femio riding his bull out onto the stage, bare-chested and covered in body paint even on his frilly pants, his face contorted into what was probably supposed to be an expression of tortured agony. Probably. The other possibilities didn’t bear thinking about.  
  
"Good evening, fair patrons of the theater!" Femio’s voice boomed out across the room, stunning everyone into silence. "I have come bearing art!" He leapt off the bull. "Your elegant performances have spoken to my soul and drawn me onto this stage to stand beside you in expressing one’s deepest feelings! Call it… divine intervention." He tossed his hair and laughed. "It is a blessed evening, oui oui!"  
  
"Sir -" One of the staff members attempted to address him, but Femio ignored him.  
  
"Oh, what is this?" Femio stared in horror at how the actors were standing frozen on the stage, all eyes on him. "Non, non… you must not stop what you are doing to watch me! I know that my beauty is overwhelming, but your commitment as professional thespians must trump that!" His voice took on a note of desperation. "Or… can it be that my beauty has once again ruined a perfect tableau by merely being present? How sinful!" He threw his arms into the air.  
  
In the dining area, Fakir discreetly took Ahiru’s hand and scooted back from the table. The irony that Femio was about to save them this time with his overdramatic displays of penance was not lost on him.   
  
"Heavens, I beseech you! Please cast your judgment upon this sinner!"  
  
"Oh, how dreadful! I can’t bear to watch!" Lilie’s eyes were glued to the stage, her hands clutching at her cheeks. She didn’t seem to notice that Fakir and Ahiru were slipping away towards the exit.  
  
” _OLE!_ ”  
  
***  
  
Outside the Movable Feast, it was comparatively quiet, at least when set in juxtaposition with the chaos that had erupted as Femio’s bull charged the stage, scattering screaming actors and customers alike. Some of them were still pouring out of the door behind Fakir and Ahiru, who had gotten a head start and were a few blocks away by the time the first traumatized theater patrons began to make their escape. Where Femio and Lilie were, they didn’t know, and didn’t particularly care.  
  
"That… that was…" Ahiru looked vaguely shellshocked. "I think maybe you understand now what I meant back then when I said it was like something happened and like something didn’t…"  
  
"Better than ever." Fakir glanced down at Ahiru. "I’m just glad it happened before any food came."  
  
"Don’t remind me." Ahiru shuddered. "I… I don’t think I could’ve eaten anything, not with… not with her having…" She pressed a hand to her mouth, nausea overcoming her again and causing her eyes to water.   
  
"Don’t think about it anymore. It didn’t happen." Fakir took her other hand and squeezed it reassuringly. "Come on - let’s just go home. I’ll make dinner, if you feel up to eating."  
  
"Yeah… yeah, I think I could." She leaned closer to him and rubbed her cheek against his arm. "I bet your cooking’s better than that restaurant’s would’ve been, anyway."  
  
Fakir laughed. “That probably isn’t saying much.”  
  
"No, I guess it isn’t." Ahiru giggled. "She was right, though - it _has_ been an unforgettable evening…”  
  
"… Yeah. Just promise me there won’t be another one like it."  
  
Ahiru shuddered. “Oh, don’t worry about _that!_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> Written for kat2kool on tumblr, for the prompt "Duck and Fakir on a double date with Lilie and Femio".


End file.
